The Alchemy

For a while there I felt like I was free spinning in the middle of a tornado. I could not get a grip on my anger.

I know the girls will be ok and I had to force myself to move my focus away from their dad and my anger toward him. Yesterday I felt like someone else. My anger was all-consuming and by the end of the day it made me feel so much like shit. As a woman, I was ready to rain fire and brimstone down upon him, make sure to make his life ten times more miserable than the misery he was causing the girls. But, as a mother, I never want to lead with anger. It doesn’t feel good to hold on to it either and that is what sucks. I didn’t feel great about this Mother’s Day weekend. I tried to make the most of it, but at my core I was being weighed down by my anger.

We have a plan and we are ready for when he, inevitably, slips back into his shitty, narcissistic routine. I trust the process and I trust my attorney.

We don’t take enough pictures together. Must take more!

So when I touch down
Call the amateurs and
Cut ‘em from the team
Ditch the clowns, get the crown
Baby, I’m the one to beat
Cause the sign on your heart
Said it’s still reserved for me
Honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy

Today is a new day. I woke up feeling more like myself and it isn’t because I just woke up and decided it was going to be a good day. It’s because I have a good man who takes care of me in every way. When I am feeling broken, when I am feeling defeated, when I am feeling like I don’t have the energy to get myself back up…Nate is there. He picks me up. He reminds me that I’m not alone. Even when he isn’t with me physically, his words are soft and they wrap around me like a warm, secure blanket. He makes sure I am ok.

When you leave a relationship that is toxic, no one mentions how hard it is to regulate your nervous system. In fact, you don’t even notice that you have been in a permanent sur it until you’ve felt your body finally feel relaxed. When your jaw unclenches or your shoulders aren’t all tensed up all the time or when you feel yourself finally take a deep breath, it’s such a foreign feeling at first. Nate is my safe place. These last few weeks, I have only been able to get through because when I need him, he is right there. Sometimes, all I need is to be wrapped in his arms and all my tangled mess is suddenly untangled. He is magical. And I don’t know how I got so lucky, but I am thankful every single day that the universe brought him to me.